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my love

Another Rant....

Posted on 2010.06.19 at 08:07
Honestly? I am so fed up with people. I know I need to relax and stop stressing because it is not good for my baby, but what is WRONG with people? So back in October my younger cousin proposed to his girlfriend, yay good for them whatever. I really like her and I am happy for them. Well His Fiance and I went to a bridal expo in december and she was telling me that since he is in the airforce they were going to elope the next time he came home for logistical reasons, he gets better pay, she can stay with him when she visits, etc. All fine and good. Well Brandon and I have already set our date for June 18th 2011, This is a significant date for us, it's not like we just drew it out of a hat. Well Jimmy and Janelle were gonna get married a few weeks after us in July 2011 and they had asked me to stand up in their wedding. When my brother passed away Jimmy had offered to walk me down the aisle and I said no thankyou because I had someone else in mind, plus with him being in the service and me being a control freak I can't handle that kind of uncertainty. Ever since then he has been all but ignoring me. I sent him a long email about my stepdad and the accident and all the updates on my mom and what was going on etc about 6 months ago and I still have recieved no reply. He  has gotten on facebook and talked to his friends and other family but nothing on my end. Even when I have posted about my baby and the move to our new home ZERO respnse from him. There has been talk of their wedding, from my aunt and other family members who are privileged enough to be in the loop, and Janelle went to Germany in the middle of May so that they could get married on the base, and the rest of us could watch it via web cam...tacky but whatever, well they failed to do their planning right and there is a waiting period. So on Thursday my Mom got an email from my aunt that they were getting married yesterday. I was not included even though I am supposed to be in this wedding but whatevs. Anyway they got married yesterday and they are still having an all out church wedding next summer. Well does anyone else realize what yesterday was?? JUNE 18th!!! My invitations are already printed so they had better pick a different day next summer. I am just so disgusted with the whole thing. Maybe they didn't even realize it I don't know but seriously if they would just slow down and take their time this would not even be an issue. When they first got engaged they were talking at least 3 years before the wedding so she could finish school etc. Guess not. Whatever I am really upset by the whole thing. They stole my fricken date, and the guy who thinks he's the man to walk me down the aisle doesn't even care enough to keep in touch with me. Whatever I hate people.

my love


Posted on 2010.06.18 at 08:11
Current Mood: awakeawake
So I had 2 missed calls on my phone last night at 11:30 at night from Baby Mama, of course I freaked out thinking there was some kind of emergency because she knows we go to bed way earlier than that. Stupid me I should know better by now. It was Mackenzie crying into the phone throwing a fit because she didn't want to go to bed and how she wants to come to our house this weekend. We already told BM we had too much going on and we don't like to switch weekends around because we are always really busy and have to plan accordingly. Well of course because it's fathers day weekend, and she doesn't know how to parent, she just told Kenz that her dad doesn't want to see her. Ya know we spent time last weekend doing something special for fathers day because we knew we wouldn't have her, but it's never good enough. This child is going to be beyond messed up. Last weekend when we dropped her off she threw a fit that she won't be having her birthday party at our house on her actual birthday so she came screaming down the street after us. She would NEVER do anything like that at our house, and she certainly would not be up that late making phone calls. Her mother needs to get some control that little girl is only 5! Imagine what we are gonna have to deal with when she is 12???!!! Sometimes I just wanna choke a bitch...her mother of course, not her)

my love


Posted on 2010.06.11 at 19:47
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Oops I went MIA again. Man It's been crazy we got a place, 3 bedroom ranch, it's really nice. This is the first time I've moved and I still have boxes to unpack. Sooo not like me but I have been drained of energy lately. We found out we are having a girl, we are naming her Lydia Jo, I really like old fashioned names and I thought Lydia was unique and something you don't hear too often Jo is after Allen whose middle name was Joseph. Are there any other stepmoms out there?? I need to vent and I don't want to sound like a monster so I need someone who knows what it's like and the only one who can relate is probably another step mom...maybe it's the pregnancy or the hormones but I am fed up with my fiances little one. She is not greatful for anything and is usually nothing but a handful when she's here. I know it would be so much better if we had full time custody but her being with her mother all week and then being dropped on us totally sucks. I've taken to finding an excuse to leave or hiding out in my room...which is what I am doing now. I feel like a drill sargent all weekend only to have to repeat it all over the next time she is here. Brandon can discipline her the same as I do and I am the bad guy. I hate all those Disney movies and just media in general that makes stepparents out to be "evil" it's not fair. I go to all of her conferences and such, and counsel her mother when she calls me crying that she is out of control. I can put forth all the effort in the world and just pray that she respects me for it one day but in the mean time I cry every sunday when he leaves to take her home because I am so frustrated and it doesn't matter how hard I try I am noone. I am getting really fed up over the whole thing.

my love

MIA for a while but back for now.

Posted on 2010.04.11 at 18:00
Current Mood: bouncybouncy


So the last few months have been insane. Brandon and I stopped trying to have a baby so that we could focus on wedding planning and guess what? I am 3 months pregnant!!! They always say it happens when you are not trying, or when it is the least conveniant. This upcoming year is going to be insanity. We are looking for a house to rent, because now we definitely need more space. So it will be move, baby shower, baby, christening, wedding shower, wedding. Then if all goes well I will be able to breathe. It's exciting but scary all at once. I have to say with the way my life is rapidly changing since the accident makes me miss Allen that much more. This is all stuff he should be a part of. I know he'll be there but it's just not the same. Brandon has been amazing waiting on me hand and foot. I really couldn't ask for more.  I can't wait to get into the new house and start nesting. I tend to be a nester by nature, but pregnancy is making the urge that much stronger!! Hope all is well with everyone.

my love

Lazy Bones.

Posted on 2010.01.23 at 17:16
Current Mood: calmcalm
So last night after we put Mackenzie to bed we decided to hang out with Freddy and Mackenzie (his gf, not my step daughter lol) Freddy is my brother's best friend. We drank WAY too much and they didn't leave until 4 am I felt so bad for Mackenzie the poor DD who had to put up with us! Before Freddy came over he had gone and gotten his tattoo for Allen. It looks awesome!!! It is so perfect, Allen would have loved it. Now I'm itching to go and get one but I have to look up the details since we are TTC. I mean I know for sure I am not prego right now, so maybe I should go soon. Freddy and I had the talk about how neither of us feels obligated to hang out because of Allen and we are really glad that we have eachother. As weird and wrong as it sounds we have a connection over the loss of someone who was so dear to us. I also emailed my Aunt with that whole other situation and asked her if she was okay with me still staying in touch with everyone. I didn't know how they all felt about me considering I was so close to my Uncle and the horrible thing he did. She responded and I feel much better now that that door is open. I still haven't called either of my cousins, I have to work myself up to that point, I just feel awkward. So I ended up sleeping until 4:30 today! Is that crazy or what? I felt like such a bum, but catching up on my sleep was long over due. Although I don't know if it counts considering I was up until 6 am?? Oh well it's Saturday and I work all week so I'm not feeling too much grief over it!

my love


Posted on 2010.01.22 at 00:26
Current Mood: draineddrained
So for my new LJ friends I have a bit of explaining to do....I was gonna wait because it seems I will never have the right words to describe the past few months...but I'll do my best.

September 12th 2009 My brother was supposed to be on his way to my house to introduce his latest fling to me for my approval, he was in the shower when my stepbrother knocked on the door and asked him if he wanted to go for a quick test drive on the car that they always work on...my Brother, step-brother, and step dad...they are all total "car guys" Of course he aggreed and so they left just a quick run up to the gas station and back home. On the way back home, directly behind my mom's house they were in a bad accident. Alcohol was not a factor and they are still trying to determine what exactly went wrong. The impact was fully on Allen's side and I got a call from my Mom to go to the hospital. My BF Brandon and I ran up there and were rushed into the craziest night of my life. Allen had MASSIVE internal injuries, his pelvis was crushed, and he had a massive head injury. When they first let us see him, my Mom talked to him for a minute then went to check on my step-dad who was also unconcious. At this point I grabbed my brothers hand and told him I loved him and to be strong. He squeezed my hand and then started coding. They rushed me out and continued pumping on him for a good hour before they called my mom and I back in to say goodbye. I still can't believe that he is gone. I feel a physical pain at his absence. Allen was 6 years younger than me, only 19,  and we were unusually close considering our age difference. His friends used to give him a hard time and asked him "dude, why are you hanging out with your sister that is weird. he was only my half brother but he was my whole heart. He was my very best friend and now without him I am an only child. Somehow I was very involved with planning the funeral, and I honestly don't know how I got through that week. When we drove past the site of the accident his shoe was on the side of the road and I totally FREAKED out. I carried it around for 3 days. My step sister Cait and I are very close and I am so glad I have her, but the relationship with my stepbro is harder we just don't connect and I have never liked my stepdad we've never gotten a long. He was in the hospital for 4 months in a coma and then woke with a closed head injury and was in a nursing home for a while. He is home now but has a long way to go before he will be back to his "new" normal.

it gets better...

2 weeks after Allen's accident I got a random phone call. It was my REAL dad's brother from FL. He was in tears to hear my voice because he had been searching for me for so long.(I never knew my Dad, he died when I was very young) I had tried to write to my Uncle Dennis so many times when I was younger, but to no avail. Then in my darkest hour we reconnected really fast. He introduced me to all this family that I never knew I had and wrote me letters and was amazing. We connected really fast and were talking on the phone a few times a week and emailed almost daily. I became close with his kids too especially his 22 year old daughter Andrea. Well right after New Years, his wife of 30 years disappeared. She wrote a letter saying that she needed space and time and that she would be okay but this is what she had to do. He was not ok. He was mad and hurt and Andrea had texted me that she was upset and worried about him. Not this past Sunday but the one before, I talked to him on the phone for like 4 hours. He was talking about coming to MI to be with his family and clear his head. His plan was to come up here on Feb. 9th. He reassured me that he wasn't gonna do anything stupid and he had too much to live for. I got a call last Friday from my Dad's mom that my Uncle Dennis had been found in his neighbor's backyard with a shot gun next to him, he had shot himself. They also found his daughter, my cousin, Andrea shot in her bed, and they are calling it a Murder-Suicide. I am beside myself because this was not the man I knew. My heart goes out to the whole family and I can't imagine what they are going through. I have so many emotions running through me over this, and I feel awkward, like I am not entitled to those feelings because really who am I? I just arrived on this scene, who am I to feel this loss so strongly. He has REAL kids, I am his brothers daughter that HE just found. I don't know the whole thing confuses me and makes me a little nuts.

So needless to say the past few months have been RIDICULOUS, see why I need a way to vent??

my love


Posted on 2010.01.21 at 22:41
Current Mood: excitedexcited
So apparently no one reads or uses LJ anymore. Thats fine that just means I'll be able to get more objective feedback and I can stalk my communities as I please. Seriosuly my life is ridiculous I need to vent somewhere. I was considering writing a memoir after Allen died, well I'll just post on here all my drama then make it into a book someday. I just won't get drama started by my friends. I did force my boyfriend to make an account so that he was in the loop, but I don't think he'll use it too much he's not so much a "words" man. So at some point I will get on here and fill in all the details of my tragic life, but that is for another day. today I am happy and in a good mood and I'd like it to stay that way. Melissa is on her way over so I think I'm gonna do some scrapbooking and have some girl talk. I'm pretty excited. Now I just need to make some LJ friends!! Any takers?

my love


Posted on 2010.01.21 at 22:05
Current Location: Our Room
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
So after a 2 hour session with Linda, my therapist, tonight I've realized that I have to focus on the things in my life right now that are positive. It may seem like a stretch, considering the things that have popped up in these past few months but I've got to find whatever good that I can and really narrow in on that. After the accident, and losing Allen, I lost a part of myself and I will never be the same, but I have to figure out how to be okay without him and figure out what that looks like and what it means. Then after the news on Friday, well I can't even begin to wrap my mind around that one. I just have to pick myself up, and keep moving forward. Life is hard, but it is wonderful and beautiful too. The things that I am happy about right now, are Brandon and I are really moving to a new place in our relationship. Going to therapy is helping me work on myself and become a better person and a better partner. It does seem like a slow process some times and I still have my moments, more than I'd like to admit, but I am putting in an honest effort and doing the best that I can do at this point with everything else that is going on. I can't be too hard on myself because no one is perfect and a lot of the issues that I have are 25 years in the making, I can't undo that overnight. My self esteem is getting to a place that I am more comfortable with and I am telling myself regularly that I am something worth having, Slowly but surely, we are climbing up in this world. I am proud of how far we've come and the home that we have built for ourselves. I am really excited for our future, and though it's been a challenge for me I've learned that I can no longer place so much emotion into what other people think or their opinions about my/our life. If anything the last few months have shown me that life is precious and short and you will never please everyone no matter how hard you try, you only get one chance to live it and you have to put your priorities on the top of the list, because no one else will do it for you. The decision that Brandon and I have made is one that I am confident in, more than any thing I want to spend the rest of my life with him. It doesn't matter if it isn't story book or perfect that is not life in fact life is the opposite, messy and hard, and it's the imperfections that end up equaling perfection.

my love


Posted on 2010.01.19 at 18:30
Current Mood: confusedconfused

<a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tools/tickers/tt582fb.aspx" alt=" Trying to Conceive Ticker" border="0"  /></a>

It's been a really long time since I've used livejournal. I used to know how to customize everything and make it look sweet. Now I have this awesome ovulation ticker from the bump that I want to add to my page and I totally forgot how to do it....Any Help?